In which I talk about self esteem and me...

I'm never going to be a model, super or otherwise. I'm too quirky in looks and attitude. I have freckles...lots of the little blighters. I'm rather on the short side. I have hair that, if I'm not careful, makes me look like I've electrocuted myself and, no matter how much I exercise I still seem to stay the same curvy shape. I'm better than I was after living in the UK where a steady diet of fast food had my weight rocketing sky high and my self esteem falling into a crater somewhere. After a reality check that I gave myself I joined a gym and the excess weight started to drop off. I've still got a little way to go but I eat healthy, exercise daily and try to boost my confidence in small ways.

But, for the longest time, I felt confused. You see, we are bombarded with all these images of what a real woman is supposed to look like. She's supposed to have this colour hair or these coloured eyes or this build and so on. She was always to wear make up, and if she didn't have the latest fashions she wasn't cool. And, I'm pretty sure it is the same for guys.

I admit, I went through a stage where I bought the Cosmo magazine. I actually feel ashamed that I spent three months buying a magazine that is actually a poor example of reading material. Oh, wait, I do recall that there were actually a couple of articles that dealt with things such as Female Genital Mutilation and rape but all of that was hidden amongst adds for getting longer lashes, getting a smoking hot body or how to please a guy with seven moves. You know what I mean - it was always in that sealed section that you opened feeling slightly naughty.

But, over the last few years, I've had a bit of a wake up call. Nothing dramatic, mind you, just little things that I've noticed that made me re-think a lot of things. You see, I was born with a cleft lip and palate. This is something that people who meet me for the first time may notice. They may not know what it is but they may see the tell tale scars, or the fact that my nose is a little crooked. What they may not know is that I have had over fifteen surgeries to 'correct' that. (Plus four or five others due to me being rather klutzy) I've had braces, which I was actually proud of. I've had my jaw broken twice and I've been traumatised by clowns. I've had people call me names and worse, which, looking back on it, is rather silly because my problems were no worse or better than any of theirs, I just looked a little different.

For a long time, I hid behind this, not thinking that having this made me who I am, just like having blue eyes and blond hair makes my sister my sister, you know. When I see my scars I no longer see a reminder of pain but I see another of my quirks. I see the skill of the surgeon who was able to do what he did. I see the patience of my parents who drove me four hours, both ways, to have these surgeries and appointments. I also see me - and some days I like what I see and others I don't but, when those days get rather, um, yuck I make a list of things that I like - not necessarily about me but what I like in general. Or I listen to some great music and rock out like a loon. 

So, I may never grace the pages of any fancy magazines and I will probably not be seen walking down a cat walk any time soon. (Which is a good think because I have this tendency to trip over my own feet cause I'm often day dreaming far too much.) So what. Just because I'm not petite or graceful or have amazing cheek bones or a killer walk doesn't mean that I'm not a little awesome in my own way.


I guess I just wanted to let people know that, although you may feel ugly or alone or lost, you are still you. You shouldn't have to conform to someone else's idea of beauty. Embrace your quirks because, as they say, beauty fades. And, honestly, would you rather talk to someone about what kind of mascara makes your eyes pop or someone who actually has something interesting to say that isn't a stock answer pulled from a hat?

P.S. I know that everyone probably tells you the same thing over and over again but seriously, being yourself is a hell of a lot more interesting than being what everyone else wants you to be.

P.P.S - Serious post, I know. Just felt like letting everyone know that it's okay to be you. I'm putting my soap box away and getting back to my writing, I promise.


P.P.P.S. Have a freaking awesome day, each and every one of you!


P.P.P.P.S. My mum just read this and she smiled. I am happy.

Blog Every(d)ay in April...day one...

Happy April Fool's - though it is past midday so I guess that makes me the fool, which leads perfectly into the next thing I was going to talk about: BEDA or Blog Every Day in April. This is where I attempt to post a blog every day for the next thirty days. This also means that I must wrack my poor brains for something interesting to mention - even if it just seems interesting to me.

So - this is officially day one and this is about the third time I have attempted to write this entry. I keep promising myself that I will be better organised but I never am. Maybe, just maybe, this will aid in my attempts to better organise myself. Maybe I could design some lists or maybe a wall chart? Or I could use this as an excuse to go and buy a lot of new stationary. I mean, who doesn't like new stationary? There is something about the feel of a brand new pen on the first page of new refill.*

Anyway, enough of my rambling. I was thinking of doing a theme for this whole blog everyday in April but I wasn't sure that I would be able to stick with it so I thought I would continue on in my rambling self. And, as an introduction I thought I would do a version of five things about me - cause blogging is somewhat self indulgent...right...

One - I have been attempting to teach myself guitar for the last few years. I can play a dozen chords but seem to come out with the same melody every time. Plus, I don't practise as much as I should. I'm not so much lazy as I am a daydreamer. This means that what I think I sound like and what I actually sound like can often differ.

Two - I collect books about urban legends or stories based on urban legends. Let's be honest - I just collect books but I do have an intense fascination with the whole idea of oral story telling and how it shifts fluidly from teller to teller.

Three - I have an irrational fear of jelly. Yep, jelly. Something about the way it wobbles seriously wigs me out. I shudder thinking about it. I'm also scared of clowns but that's old hat now.

Four - I write fanfiction occasionally. I started many years ago and did stories about X Men: Evolution and Charmed before attempting some Supernatural fanfiction. I do this when I have bad bouts of writer's block. which seems to be happening way too often.

Five - I used to raise calves, mainly beef breeds, for our local calf club. I had a goat one year and didn't get anywhere then I had a beautiful beef breed called Simba and I got all the way to group day where I got reserve champion. (Farm girl at heart?) Needless to say I stuck with calves from that day on.

So, here goes my attempt at Beda...hopefully the next post is more exciting and witty.

Peace and pancakes everyone. And, for those doing Beda as well, best of luck.

*I happen to be very quirky in my likes of stationary. There is definitely something about a stationary store that gets my brain all hyped up and excited. Come on...you can admit that you get the same feeling.

In which I accidentally break things...

I am freakishly strong in some respects. This could have something to do with growing up on a farm and chucking the occasional hay bale around and picking up calves, lambs etc. Or it could be attributed to my working in a takeaway shop and having to carry around bags of frozen chips. (Fries for those on the other side of the world) Either way, I have weird bursts of strength and this has sometimes caused me more hassle than I really need. This was most evident yesterday when I decided that I must vacuum the floor of my little house.

I pranced into the bedroom to get the vacuum from my closet and pulled open the door. In most cases, the door would follow along on its tracks like it was designed to do but yesterday my strength decided to kick in and I managed to not only pull the door off its tracks but bend one of the screws that holds it in said tracks. I actually stood there in shock for a moment because it isn't often that I get to marvel at my strength and bad luck* in one go.

Then, once I realised what had happened, I thought that I would try and fix it. Being the daughter of a builder has given me a small amount of insight into fixing the occasional thing around the house. So I was there using the only chair that I have in the house to stand on while I try to manoeuvre this door back onto the railings. The chair, however, was a computer chair on wheels. Thankfully I realised rather quickly that my meagre skills were not going to win against the stubbornness of the door. Plus the images of me flying backwards from the chair, smashing my head on the desk behind me before landing on the ground kept racing through my overly imaginative mind.

So I wedged the door into some semblance of being closed** and toddled off into the lounge where I had You Don't Treat Me No Good No More by Sonia Dada playing at nearly full volume. This song always manages to make me smile because it is just a fun song and I did a silly little dance to it. You know the kind of dance you do when no one is watching and you don't really give a damn. It's the kind of dance you do and think that it looks really smooth and awesome in your head but in reality you probably resemble someone standing on an electric fence.

To cut a long story short I didn't get to do my vacuuming because I felt that the door had defeated me. Is that I good excuse for not cleaning or what?
 
On a different note the writing has stalled while I have family here. I have a few ideas brewing in my head but just haven't been feeling the right urge when I stare at the previously mentioned blank page of doom.



*As far as bad luck goes this wasn't too bad. I didn't end up in hospital for one and I still retain ten functioning digits spread across the normal two hands.
** Because I still harbour the occasional fear that there really is a monster in my closet and by keeping the door closed I can prevent it from getting me...what can I say, I'm still a child at heart!

Random Quotes Part the Second or a tribute to Firefly

So, I feel that we haven't had any funny/amusing/humorous quotes for some time so I thought that I would do a tribute to the brilliance that is Firefly and Serenity. There is also the fact that I have been very busy writing for the last couple of days so this is a back up post.


First quote has to come from my favourite character Wash.

Wash: "Everything looks good from here... (beat...playing with plastic dinosaurs over his console) Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive."

(as Stegosaurus) "We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... 'This Land'."

(as T-Rex) "I think we should call it...your grave!"

(Stegosaurus) "Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"

(T-Rex) "Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh...now die!"

 This is one of my favourite lines from him and it is from the Pilot episode "Serenity Part One". I've even added a youtube clip for your enjoyment. 

Quote the second:

Bandit #1:  "And I think maybe you're gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus."

(Husband) Jayne: "Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature."

(Wife) Mal:  "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?"

(Husband) Jayne:  "If I could make you purtier, I would."

(Wife) Mal: "You are not the man I met a year ago." (they suddenly draw their guns on the bandits, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off)

Mal: "Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you."

This quote is from "Our Mrs Reynolds" and it is a funny little scene between Jayne and Mal. Pure brilliance!

Number Three:

Book: "Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?"

Simon:  "No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist."

A witty little exchange between Book and Simon. And, let's face it, Simon with a big black mustache would look hilarious. (This is from the episode "War Stories" another great ep!)

Onto the fourth:

Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?"

River: "Fixing your Bible."

Book: "I, um...(alarmed)...what?"

River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense." (she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages)

Book: "No, no. You - you can't...

River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem."

Book: "Really?"

River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." (rips out page)

This could be controversial but I love this. River is such an interesting character and the interaction between her and Book is very well timed. This is from the episode "Jaynestown".

Five:

Wash: "Yeah well, if she doesn't give us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting."

Mal: "Define interesting."

Wash: "Oh god oh god we're all gonna die?"

Mal: "This is the captain. We have a...little problem with our engine sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then...explode."

This is from the film Serenity and it is from the opening sequence. 

Gorram it I love this series. I could talk about it forever and never tire from it. I really do recommend it, not only for the great story telling but for the cast, themes and everything in general. 

Anyway, enough of my lolly-gagging around (does anyone actually say that anymore) I have to get back to my writing. Working on chapter three of my new story and it is rough going at the moment. My characters are more than a little uncertain of themselves and that is making me a little nervous. 

Until next time - peace and pancakes.