Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Random is as Random Does?

I've come to realise that I attract random. By 'random' I mean people, events and situations. For example, Monday night - let me set the scene:

It was a rather chill night with the smell of frost in the air. Our heroine (well...me...) was curled up on the couch, sneakily indulging in some ice cream, hokey pokey ice cream to be precise, while watching CSI not because she wanted to but because the other two channels had nothing to offer. With one eye on the telly and the other attempting to play Farmville an intellectual game found on Facebook our heroine became aware of a noise and not just any noise, mind you, but yelling.

At first our heroine is confused. Is it coming from the telly? Mute says no. So our heroine, dressed in the finest of pyjamas, wanders over to the door and peering out the curtain sees someone opened the rear door and entering my garage. Still under the illusion that it might be someone she knows she throws open the door realising, too late, that it is a complete stranger.

Anyway, it was some random repo guys looking for a place up in the middle of nowhere. This was at 9.30ish at night. Plus he smelt like he had dipped himself in the cheapest aftershave that he could find, you know, how some older folk do? My theory is they're scared of decomposing or the smell associated with it and disguise it with perfume and aftershave. Unfortunately, my sensitive nose begins to run and my eyes water: end result sneezy, blubbery mess.

Another case in point is when I found myself in an 'adult toy shop' in central London being given advice on vibrators and other such things by a woman who looked like Homer Simpson's mother. In my defence I was incredibly drunk and my friends were dreadfully funny - especially with some of the questions they were asking.

Or there was the time when my trousers/pants decided that it was the perfect time to fall down in front of a crowd. Or the time the person I'd only just met gave me a full account of his sexual exploits or the girl who threatened to call the IRA on me because I'd stopped her attacking another girl in a hostel. She also tried to strangle me and threw tampons at my bed - then denied it saying that I had thrown the tampons on my bed. (In case you were wondering, the tampons weren't used...) Luckily the security guard knew me and believed me over her. She was truly off her nut.

There are events like this strewn through my childhood. Some are hilarious while others, looking back, are actually rather wrong but I won't go into those. Anyway, this is just a small insight into the everyday on goings of my life. Tune in next time when I talk about strangers who tell me way too much personal information...

So - have any of you had strange encounters like this? Not necessarily tampons being thrown at you...

2 comments:

  1. "In case you were wondering, the tampons weren't used..."

    I was wondering, so thank you for clarifying.

    I always get strange encounters. Just last year, I was coming home from the gym carrying my bag of gym clothes. A homeless guy thought it was food (he was drunk) and started chasing me, screaming, "I'm hungry, I'm hungry!" while flapping his arms like a bird.

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  2. No problems.

    That is hilarious. I wonder if he would have eaten it regardless of it being food or not?

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